Tag: MovingForward

Til Death Do Us Part

On By SimonneBradenLeave a comment

“Hey, want to go to a wedding with me next weekend?” asked my new boyfriend of one month. His friend Rob was getting married in Raleigh, a city I hadn’t yet visited in my new homestate.

“Sure,” I said, always up for an adventure. “Isn’t it a little late to RSVP?”

“Oh it’s fine, they’re pretty laid back.”

And that is how I met Rob and Jacelyn. These two kind souls were instrumental in helping my boyfriend start his life over after a particularly ugly divorce. Rob and my boyfriend were friends and Jacelyn was like an older sister, disapproving of his idiot girlfriends and making sure he was safe after a night of partying. Their wedding was gorgeous. A simple backyard ceremony, complete with a large tent and the rain didn’t even phase the bride, she was too happy. You could feel the love they shared in the air.

Two years later, the boyfriend became my husband. They were at our wedding too.

We got together a few times over the years, as they have family here in Wilmington, but it wasn’t often. Once they had kids, we rarely saw them. We often joked about their “pool parties,” where a bunch of friends gathered to hold the above ground pool lining as it filled. There was no swimming. Everyone stood around drinking beer, but still a great time.

Last time we saw them was just after Hurricane Florence in 2018. Their church had a big drive for supplies to send to Wilmington, so we drove up there, eager to get out of town. We loaded up our car to the gills with everything from washing detergent to diapers. Our church was distributing it to families in need. We had lunch at their house and it was a fun visit. Their kids were really cool, too, just like their parents.

“I really miss you guys,” Rob said. “We need to get together again soon.” We all agreed.

But you know how it goes – life gets busy and the months slowly become years. Still, my husband kept up with them on Facebook. He made a lasagna last week, inspired by Jacelyn’s lasagna post.

The phone rang and it was my husband. I figured he was calling to vent about work when I picked up.

I heard a sob. “I just got a phone call.”

That’s never a good sign.

“Rob died.”

“Died? From what?”

“Major organ failure.” Another sob.

“From what?” Normal forty-somethings don’t just keel over from major organ failure without cause.

“He was sick for a couple of weeks and then….” his voice trailed off.

I was dumbfounded. Why Rob? Rob was one of the sweetest souls, a man of Christ who actually lived it, not just on Sundays. He was the ultimate family man. He’d give you the shirt off his back. Not Rob. Not now. No.

My heart broke for Jacelyn. And the kids. And Rob’s parents. Once again I was reminded this life isn’t fair.

It isn’t fair at all.

We always seem to go to friends’ weddings in this season of life; we never think of going to their funerals.

My grandfather, who died at 100, often lamented he was sick of losing friends – often twenty years younger than him – to death because they were old. When my friends leave, it’s because they move or get bogged down with life, yet I can still contact them. I’ve never lost a friend to death.

But Rob is gone forever.

Why, Lord?

In my limited human scope of the matter, this doesn’t feel right. Rob had so much more living to do. Jacelyn needed him. His kids needed him. His family needed him. His church needed him. The world needed him.

And we’re just left to mourn.

This was yet another reminder that tomorrow is not promised to us, nor does the Lord make it so that everyone dies in their 90’s in their sleep, after a strong and healthy life. It is so much more nuanced. And the crazy part is He made it like that. For me, I’ll never quite understand why He made it that way.

As I look to the future that may or may not be mine, I’m reminded the quality of life is so much more important than the big paycheck, crazy amounts of stress, and the rat race that comes along with it. As my husband and I plod forward, we find ourselves pulling back from the cultural benchmarks.

I am indeed thankful for my quiet life. Rob’s passing was another reminder of how short and unfair this life is. The moment to live life to it’s fullest is now.

Here’s to honoring the Lord with all the days I have left.

2005 and What Follows

On By SimonneBraden1 Comment

2005 was a major turning point in my life. A year out of college, I was still batting the same battles I was at school: Take #4 of getting back together with the college sweetheart failed spectacularly, yet I should have seen that one coming. My friend with benefits probably wasn’t going to magically show up with an orchestra and profess his undying love for me, but I held out hope. My anxiety and depression ruled over me, keeping me from enjoying and experiencing life. I was carving out a career in the middle of no where and I was miserable. I had a pretty good idea of who I was and what I wanted, yet I was still very much a work in progress. Sick of waiting for “the right time,” which never actually came, a mental breakdown in late 2004 spurred me on: 2005 was going to be different because I was going to make it different. The cycle was breaking now.

And it broke.

I began with getting back to God: despite my church attendance, I was really slacking in the spiritual department. I woke up early and had tea with sugar, a candle burning, and I read through the Bible; another thing I hadn’t done before. This rhythm became a daily event that helped center me and give me pause to reflect through the lens of Him.

I sought medical treatment for my anxiety and depression in the form of medication. I had a false start with some bad side effects but eventually found something that worked for me. I could finally heal.

I decided the college boyfriend wasn’t worth a 5th chance and cut him off entirely. A weekend at a fancy hotel was the epilogue of my friend with benefits. I decided if he wanted to call me and make this romance official, I was game. He didn’t call me and I didn’t call him for two months. He wasn’t interested in a real relationship with me.

I did date a guy I met on match.com and we were completely wrong for each other overall and there was only one thing positive about the relationship that’s too stupid and shallow to even write here, let alone build a partnership on. We lasted four months before he broke it off and I was completely okay with it.

I went to Europe with friends and while the trip was challenging, it gave me the courage to leave Illinois and I interviewed for a gig that eventually allowed me to move to North Carolina at the beginning of 2006.

It was a year of refining change that was desperately needed.

And with 2020 nearly here, I find myself in the same place.

The front has changed, but I’m fighting the same battles I was fighting in 2015 and I am tired, so very tired. Spiritually, I feel I need more rubber on the road; a technical writing church project will keep me busy around Christmas. And while I profess to follow Jesus, am I really living out His mission in my daily life? What would that look like? My husband and I keep hitting potholes and it’s apparent I need a wheel alignment, but I’m more interested in getting the road fixed, although my tires are wearing unevenly. Unlike 2005, I don’t have a clear path forward. I’m not sure how to adjust the sliders and knobs to get better sound quality; the mics feeding back have frayed my last nerve.

In addition to my contemplative prayer app, starting in December, I decided to read a book of the bible every month, and spend the entire month in that book. I want to savor verses. I want to read over passages that make me roll my eyes, shake my head, question, and really push through them. I want to use verses as a prayer, like a hard candy melting in my mouth.

I don’t know what 2020 and the decade ahead holds, but all I know is it can’t be a second verse to this song that’s been on repeat.

2017: This year I purpose to….

On By SimonneBraden1 Comment

As someone who did not make any new year’s resolutions last year, as I was fighting for emotional survival, this year I wanted to be more purposeful.  In the past, I had always done my one word, which I think is a great tool – I loved the simplicity about it.  But this year, I feel I need to do something deeper and with stronger guides than the past.  I stumbled upon this blog and decided to make it my year-long project for 2017.  Each month I will chose a phrase to make my focus.  Here’s what it looks like:

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My goals for 2017 look inward and outward, and most of all, reflect the Light of the Lord.  It  took me awhile to come up with these – I kept changing the wording on some – others popped into my head, as I felt a nudging from the Lord.  I know what I want these statements to become in my life, but the Lord usually turns that on its head, so this should make for an interesting year, especially the one about growing grapes.  I’ll probably grow something else entirely.

It’s already looking interesting: we’re getting a nationalist in the White House.  How will the US play on the world stage with this regime change?  How is Europe going to change?  We booked a reconnaissance meeting with a realtor: our 2100 sq ft house is big for just the 2 of us – we’re been floating the idea of downsizing to a smaller house and paying it off within a few years.  Our huge house comes with a lot of property too – it is a lot to maintain.  We’re not selling out of desperation: we are selling because we choose to change our lifestyle, possibly careers – who knows what will become of it.  In my own little world, my loved one who was silently struggling with alcohol addiction decided to stop drinking and seek the help of a professional counselor.  I am overjoyed, but guarded: these things are not fixed overnight or guaranteed.  Nonetheless, I am so thankful and happy that this sordid chapter may come to a close.  I’d like a new job, but in the past year, I’ve been rejected 4 times and currently have no prospects.  There’s a family-sized hole in my heart.  How will the Lord fill that?  I’m taking on a project at church that is out of my realm of expertise.  So many questions, so much potential.

What better phrase to start January with than this:

Learn to move forward.

  • Stop dwelling on what was or what could have been
  • Do something new
  • Don’t get hung up on worry
  • Acknowledge mistakes and then let them go

Moving forward.