I’m a Libra – the scales.
Ironically it fits me quite well. I’m always trying to find balance in life. I’m a peacemaker, as I’m quite good at seeing both sides to a problem. Trouble is, I’m terrible at making decisions. I will debate everything ad nausium. I’m often up in the clouds with my thoughts, but I’m fiercely loyal. I can be a social butterfly when I so chose, but I’d rather be alone, writing.
And right now, my scales are swinging wildly.
“Show me how it ends
It’s alright.”
(So Cold by Breaking Benjamin)
In 2005 when I finally decided to get my personal life together and focus on the Lord, I was listening to a lot of alternative rock, like Breaking Benjamin. That spring, the line from that song resonated with me; I heard the line as, “Show me how it ends, it’s alright?” Who was I going to be in December? My fear was nothing will have changed and I’d be fighting the same battles. It wouldn’t be alright. Everything would be for naught.
That December I was a changed woman, and set sail for the east coast.
I find myself in the same situation this spring: we bought another house. We need to unload our current house, as now we are carrying 2 mortgages. The house has been on the market for nearly a week, with mild interest. We’ve already discussed lowering the price. We have to have allowances for carpet, probably windows.
I am freaking out. I’m having trouble eating with the anxiety attacks.
Friends who know the house assure me it will sell fast. A good friend of mine said the most comforting thing: I will be provided for. I am a faithful servant of the Lord and that will not be forgotten.
Oh, Lord, help us!
My Dad, who is an expert at doomsday scenarios, hit me with line of questioning as to why we didn’t have a contingency clause. Ever since that conversation, that large rock has returned to my stomach.
I find myself praying for less. It is such a weird concept in this world of constant needs and consumption. Lord, please take this portion, as I want to live with less stuff and more You!
To combat my brain going into overload, I’ve decided to pray the offices. It’s Catholic (sigh), but I do think it will help me reroute my thoughts/anxiety/energy. I divided the clock into quarters (0000-0300, 0300-0600, 0600-0900, 0900-1200, etc.) During these blocks of time, if I am awake, I will stop and pray. It will be for my house to sell at a reasonable price, and quickly. For my friends who are struggling with loss of a spouse, loss of dreams with spouse. Praise for a blog friend who’s years of prayer came to fruition this past weekend via a diamond solitare. Praise that I will keep going and serving where the Lord leads regardless of my real estate portfolio, debt to income ratio, and earthly needs/wants. In the meantime, I am on a spending freeze.
I need to have faith that He will provide. I just wish He could show me how it ends, I hate not knowing.
Is it going to be alright?
Battle of Evermore – Led Zeppelin
While I had been a longtime listener of Led Zeppelin, I didn’t hear this song until college. It came to me during the worst depression phase of my life. It was such a comforting melody, it instantly calmed me down. It was also a staple on my playlist when I was an intern: I would listen to it as the sun rose while driving down a lonely interstate.
Across the Universe – The Beatles
As a Beatles fan for as long as I can remember, I didn’t appreciate this song until I was older. It was another song of comfort with its gentle tempo and cryptic lyrics of a wayward writer. I can relate to this song well.
Sandstorm – Darude
I love techno music. This was a big mainstream hit in the late 90’s. I’m a sucker for anything with a good beat and this song delivered. It was great for running with its high energy.
One of the perks of living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder is that you second guess EVERYTHING. Whether I am buying a house, a pair of socks, treating a patient, or making a life altering decision, my brain whispers, “Are you sure? What if you’re wrong? What if the exact opposite is true/better? How will you know? You need to think/pray/freak out more about this.” I am paralyzed by indecision and worry that my choice is wrong, either fundamentally or factually.
This month is going to require some confidence.
Heck, my entire life could use some confidence.
I’m closing on my 3rd house this month. Yup – for those of you keeping score at home – I have owned more houses than cars (3:1). I have decisions to make about paint, decor, and where the silverware drawer is going to be in the kitchen. I have cleaning projects, landscape projects, and painting projects all lined up; most of them will be put on hold until I can unload my current property to conserve money. This is my new home, I have to own it and the decisions that come with it.
The loved one with an alcohol addiction combined with a new house that I’m 85% sure I like has been a bit more than I expected to be dealing with at this point. Nonetheless, the Lord shall provide.
I found this book about making decisions with a Christian-centric mindset, and it was like a breath of fresh air for me. The basic principle was, “What does God think about non-moral decisions? How do I know God’s will for my life?” Mr. DeYoung proposes just to do something, much akin to throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it will stick – the fleeces we depend on are more out of our culture than the Bible. The Bible has much to say about living, but does not specifically address major life decisions such as, should I marry this person? Should I buy this car? Obviously, seeking the Lord in all things, but sometimes He doesn’t give a clear answer. And so we act. The Lord will provide.
What does living with confidence look like? I’m not sure yet.
I need to pray about that some more.
“Do it with prayer.”
This was my focus this month, and whoa baby, did this month ever need prayer.
Our house search started. Before we found the house we made an offer on, I prayed with my husband that we would find the right one. We only saw a handful of properties and the one I hated, my husband loved. We went back and forth about it and I agreed – begrudgingly – to tour it again. We spend an hour at the property, walking all over, inside and outside. I didn’t like it because of the “line of sight” on some of the angles. The house did not speak to me.
But this time it did.
Was it perfect? No. It lacks the large garden tub bathroom suite that was on our “must have” list – another thing we left off the last time we looked for houses. It was built when I was in high school, so it’s been there awhile. With some minor customization, it could really sing. My husband made a good point: it was the perfect size for us and outside of the garden tub, it had everything we needed. That’s what hit me. Needed. Our giant house was a want, not a need. And with our mindset of minimalism, using what we have for the glory of the Gospel, consuming less and the promise of cheaper bills/taxes/upkeep/more travel: I agreed. It’s also a mile away from my ocean and a kayaker’s paradise.
I had a panic attack, rather severely, as we negotiated the price and did the inspection: the inspection revealed nothing major. And so we move forward. I’m still a bit unsettled about this whole process, especially since we’re under contract on that house and ours hasn’t hit the market yet. We can float the 2 mortgages for a few months….but nothing long term. The market is red hot here, so I’m hoping for a quick sell. More prayer there too.
My loved one who has struggled with alcoholism, fell off the wagon rather unceremoniously, as expected. It was terrible, the words they threw at me while on a high. I officially stopped trusting anything they said and threw my anger back at them. That hit home. Things have been strange between us ever since. This person sought the advice and friendship of another Christian who has had a successful recovery and I hope that “sponsorship” holds water and keeps them on the straight and narrow. It’s sickening to watch from my perspective, but hardships can build strength and character – the Lord can turn this tragedy into a praise.
Prayer for this person has been on my lips all month.
And for my wayward niece. And the girl I’m sponsoring for confirmation. The friend with the troubled marriage. The friend who was on the receiving end of spiritual abuse. My family. A stick built structure. And for someone who thinks drinking a liter of wine in under an hour is totally okay.
They haven’t been long prayers. Or even all that consistent. But it made me stop and remember: do it with prayer.
Ghost Lit 