As someone who suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and has sought treatment with varying degrees of success, I won’t go into detail about them. I don’t want to dwell on them and thus throw my brain into overdrive. Without further ado, here they are:
1. Inadvertently hurting someone, whether it’s at work (I work in the medical field), a loved one, or a stranger
2. Depths of water/being pulled out to sea
3. Cockroaches
4. Being filmed
5. Making a bad decision that has a lasting impact
My favorite color is cyan. It’s a blend of blue and green, but it takes on characteristics of each depending on the lighting. Cyan is much like me in that it’s a fluid color and cannot be defined by simply blue or green.
It’s a calming color I associate with summer, the beach, and feeling good.
It sticks out like a sore thumb in a Parisian winter, however.
My new gig is nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced in my field before. It’s embarrassingly easy.
The first couple of weeks were nothing but solid stress. There was a large stone in my stomach, even while I wasn’t at work; that seems to be subsiding now. My two employees under me had the task to train me. One of them was so Type A it was nearly suffocating. The other was so Type B it was comical. I learned a lot from both of them, though. Luckily, I do not work with them on a regular basis; they only cover me when I am out.
I work alone in a glorified closet.
In between seeing a fraction of the patients I saw at my old job, there is a lot of free time. As a contract employee, I do not have to conform to the rest of my office mates. I exist for one job and I’m the only one in the building who can perform it. Everyone has been nice, but distant. I can’t figure out if it’s office dynamics, me being introverted, or if I’m disliked. I’ve been advised to keep a low profile as the office can be a bit of a shark tank. Nonetheless, I am left to my own devices.
At first, the free time seemed nonexistent, as I was trying to get my feet underneath me. Now I’ve settled in to a comfortable routine, with the things I was fretting over are now on autopilot. Or at least I think they are.
I’m taking this time to read news stories, watch my Twitter feed, write, and read. It’s an introvert’s dream. As soon as I get the funds, I’m purchasing a 20lb kettleball weight to work on my flabby arms. I started doing push-ups on the countertop and walking on a trail at lunch. I’m going to use this time to get myself in better shape and work on my writing. And I’m very excited about that!
In other exciting news, my husband and I got a buyer’s agent: we’re officially house hunting to downsize. I have a sense of peace about this. I’m only a little sad to lose my dream house. It’s so much to maintain, inside and out: as we get older, it will only become more of a burden.
And so everything is changing again. As the leaves are in the bud stage, with pollen everywhere, spring is here. And like the trees, I believe I am coming into season as well.
Bring on the summer.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Luke 12:32-34)
“….yet not my will, but Yours be done.” Luke 22:4
When I was going through one of the biggest challenges of my life, this phrase was constantly on my lips. I said it through the river of tears in the aftermath of the door slamming shut. I said it filled with untethered hope at the prospect everything would work out just fine.
You see, I’m a go-getter kind of girl. I make things happen with my work ethic. As an academic and for the most part of life, this has served me well. But there are moments, years even, of complete and total failure that I cannot fix. Whether the situation is beyond my control, or there’s literately nothing can be done about it. I struggle hard in those moments. I only learned in the past few years how to fail. It still hurts, but I’ve come to accept it.
Those words of my Savior are such a comfort. Despite His status as God in flesh, He too struggled with the same thing: we knew what outcome we wanted, but we’re willing to forego that if God the Father wanted something different. And so my human condition remains.
May He get the glory in all things.
I’m not much of a prayer warrior. Truth is, I often get distracted by my own random thoughts or shiny objects. It’s part of the reason I have embraced the contemplative prayer movement: extremely focused prayer for a short amount of time. While looking through my list of objectives for 2017, “Do it with Prayer” fit well with March.
We have decided to sell our house. It was at the tippy-top of our price range when we bought it in 2010, as the market had bottomed out. We are comfortable here. The house sits on a nearly an acre of woods and meets of all our needs. Financially, we are doing just fine; heating and cooling this place takes a toll on those extreme weather days and I’m often freezing, but other than that, we’re not selling because it’s a burden.
We’re selling to downsize. We want more money in the bank, less time with the upkeep, and cheaper utilities/taxes. We have dabbled with the minimalist movement and our priorities are not what they were 7 years ago. As life moves, we change. And so because of this change, we’re moving.
Our current neighborhood can best be described as “variations on a theme.” Our neighbors are nearly 90 and they just installed a chair lift, with the 2 staircases that lead to the living areas of our house. My husband turns 50 in the next couple of years, and while he’s more active than a few twentysomethings we know, eventually, that will catch up with him.
We haven’t found a house to move into, although I found the perfect house a few blocks away – it’s significantly cheaper than our house, but still more than I was willing to pay. But, it looks perfect from the real estate website.
And so, do it with prayer.
Praying for a house. Not only a house, a home. A home that I will more than likely die in or at least age significantly in. We don’t want to move again. The Lord will fulfill all my needs; I just need a smallish/cheapish house. Where will that be? And when? And do we try to purchase it before we sell our mansion?
Also, I find myself still suffering from anxiety attacks at my new job. The job has basically put me out to pasture in my profession: I do a fraction of what I went to college for and often find myself with loads of free time, which I plan to use for writing. Nonetheless, I am freaking out about a temperature of a refrigerator. I’m in charge of making sure the refrigerator stays at a certain temperature, and it was acting wonky the past couple of days. I adjusted it, but I’m not there to monitor that adjustment. If the temperature falls out of range, it could compromise the expensive contents of the refrigerator; contents that are essential to my job performance.
And so, do it with prayer.
Today I am praying for a new place to live that is far below our means. I’m also praying for a refrigerator to maintain it’s temperature. I gave my troubled niece a Bible for her birthday. She started attending a church. She has a scripture in her bio on Twitter. I am praying for her salvation and for her to journey with the Lord.
So many heavy things. So many trivial things. C’est la vie.
Through this journey, I wonder how my prayer life will evolve through this lens. Will we find a house? Is my refrigerator happy? Will my niece turn her life around with the love of the Lord? Will my anxiety die down to a smoldering ash instead of this inferno in my chest?
And so, I do it with prayer.
February’s theme was to engage with others.
I made an effort to meet up with friends on a weekly basis, and it became very difficult. My stress level with my new job was off the charts; my trainer was an intense Type A and I needed the alone time to calm down and recalibrate. I also had a long text conversation with my niece, which was awesome and unexpected.
I was appointed to a church leadership position that requires – you guessed it – engaging with others. I wouldn’t have agreed to it if it weren’t for this month’s theme. In fact, that was the only reason I agreed to it. This should be interesting to see how this turns out.
And so…..onto the next!
Ghost Lit 